hello

Hello. Hi! I'm bean. Welcome to thebeanbaguette.com on this episode of Baby's First Website. Here we go!

I'm a freelance illustrator on the ~internet~  and this is my website (and blog). You can read a little bit more about me on my About page, but the long story short is that I've launched this site to host my online portfolio, a resume, and this little side blog, and ultimately I have no idea what I'm doing. But neither do most of us, so maybe I'm not as far behind as I feel.

poyple dragon.png

Writing is really weird. For those that know some details of my "artist journey" (which I'll go into more detail in another post) this might sound familiar. In college, I wanted to do it professionally. And, unlike my art (which I had given up at the time) I thought I could do it professionally. In my spare time I filled notebooks with rough drafts of the literary world's next Big Fantasy Epic. I had very few concerns and a whole lot of ambition, because if I felt born to do it then I was one of the greats, just waiting to be found, right? So of course, when I took a class taught by my idol and wrote a 50,000 word novel about (it turns out) nothing particularly interesting, I felt burnt out and never wrote again, having just surpassed the Dunning-Kruger effect--which is to say, I knew enough to know that I knew nothing at all about writing.

Eventually, I launched a little public blog somewhere and started writing about my life, which is sometimes more interesting than the novel I tried to write (but mostly about the same, or rather, incredibly boring). The big takeaway for me was that autobiographical writing appealed to me more than I ever thought it would--after a childhood of stubbornly sticking to fantasy in just about everything, who would've guessed? (That's not to say I think I'm unusually good at it--we'll have no more delusions here.)

I wanted to write humor, or adventure, but found myself most comfortable writing sad things. Overly serious things. Things I thought might be boring to read, or at the very least, self-centered. But, finally freed from the pressure to write as a "professional," I was able to explore and find a way to enjoy.

So maybe there's nothing special about writing sad poetry about dead dogs. Or confusing free verse about disaster relief in Japan. But those pieces, saturated in "sad feelings," were more meaningful works to me than the majority of anything I wrote with the aim to be "professional." Even if they tended to veer a little too purple at times.

It feels so weird to be writing a blog again. But it's nice.